S C A R

Feeling a bit better now and it’s been a month away from chicken pox virus. My scar on my body slowly healing, but my face seems to be the hardest. This year end not a good one for me. Not only I’m suffer from this sickness, but I got to know that I was pregnant while having this chicken pox. Dugaan tuhan to me and aki. Gone to couple of gynecology to sick advise, but the baby was only with us till my 8 weeks of pregnancy. Bukan rezeki kami lagi, and redha dengan ketentuan tuhan. By far it was the hardest situation to both of us . But I am glad that aki was so supportive towards me. But i felt the pain alot more when i see aki cried. Although it was just my 8 weeks, but I felt the same way how other pregnant women did. The nausea, the crave etc. At night I speak to myself wondering if the baby gonna be ok and should I continue with the pregnancy with the risk of the baby may not be sempurna. I cried everyday worried and feeling bad may be i don't deserve to be a mother. I was terrified at all times. And finally the day come to us, baby was not at the right position, and the doc said it could be infected as my fever was pretty bad one so I had to go thru a procedure call D&C aka had to remove the baby before its miscarriage by itself. Cume tuhan sahaja yg tahu perasaan both of us. We manage to hear baby’s heart beat for at least 5 second. The experience was so painful to me. I felt half of me was apart from my body. Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia, I let it go and try to move on with our life again and wishing of more to come insyallah. How I wish things happen differently. Most important now is to take a good care of myself, eat proper food and vitamins. And try not to get more serious sickness in the future. Not only chicken pox scars that I need to heal, there is still scar inside of me – scar that will never be heal till the rest of my life. That scar remind me how we lost our very 1^st child. I’m sorry…….